i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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