I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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