I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
