Duck Duck Cougar?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
