fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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