I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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