I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
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He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks