Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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