More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
