I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
