Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
