Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
