I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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