So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
