Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
