Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
