Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We got so high we made milksteak
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
