taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
