If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game