shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
