i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
