Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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