I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
