I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
