So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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