Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
