just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
