I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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