im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
