I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
