yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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