if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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