your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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