you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
