Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
