If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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