I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
