Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
