have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
