I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
