Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
