well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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