I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
