she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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