and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
