In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
