you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
