My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There's a naked man in my car right now.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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