If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
