Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
i think my cat just said my name.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
