Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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