I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
