Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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