my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
