Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
