There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
