I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
