two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
