i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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