just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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