Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We're too hungover to prance.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
