I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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