I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
