I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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