How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
